How to read job ads: a mock guide for the beginner practitioner

Part 1 of the “How to make it in the Workplace” Series

If I haven’t told you guys already, I am a fond lover of transparency. Following from that, I wanted to make it easier for all of you poor young souls just starting out into the Great Big World by giving you some practical advice on how to navigate the urban jungle. What you’ll find below is a simple, no-bullshit guide on the first thing you need to do properly when approaching your career journey, namely : how to properly read job ads. Marketing is the field of choice today, seeing as anything with the word ‘digital’ in it has become quite the buzzword lately, and -for an obvious reason – ‘digital marketing’ is THE buzzword. Also, I sort of have a personal battle against people who sell you shit you don’t need, but they think you do. Suppose it comes from the olden days of telemarketing and VS Teleshop ads with that Gunther-guy’s face all over them (it was either Gunther or some other german-sounding name, anyway). Anyhow, let’s get into it. Disclaimer: Brace for some foul language ahead. I hope you find it useful.

Company: Digital Bad Ass Advertising | We chose that name based on a heavily considered, sporadically drunk decision on a Wednesday night. One-too-many beers can work wonders for a guy.

Position: Junior Marketing Executive | A Sad Sucker reporting directly to the Marketing Hound Dog; we made sure it sounds nice so you at least don’t feel bad about saying it out loud. Hope you like it.

Where: Capital, Some Country | We’ll make sure it’s at a place where the rent is OK, but you’ll need to change at least three different modes of transportation to get there; oh, and make sure you arrive on time, okay?

Languages: Working English Proficiency |You need to sound as if you’ve been speaking said language fluently as soon as you let go of your mother’s tit, if sooner – the better.

We are passionate marketers and advertising enthusiasts. We are digital nomads and hard-working professionals that live and breathe what we do. | We’re really passionate about taking people’s money for things they don’t need. Also, we really love talking and bathing in our own greatness, so advertising comes naturally to us, we think. As far as the devotion goes, only the founding fathers of the company really believe in what we do. The other 10 guys think it’s bullcrap, but we still have money for their salaries, so they’re still good at faking it.

We are looking for a Junior Marketing Executive (JME) who can help us execute the marketing strategy for a leading online marketing community portal. |We are currently looking for a Sucker to sit and stare in front of a screen all day pretending to understand the figures that pop up. Also, they need to have a kind of serious-looking face.

The position reports to the Marketing Director directly, it involves but does not limit to the following: | Said Sucker will need to listen to the ramblings of our fearful Marketing Hound Dog while seemingly keeping their composure. In addition, they will have to imitate doing a good job at the following things – and many more that are not explicitly included in their Job Description, but they will be asked to do and held accountable for as if their ass depended on it anyway :

  • Market research – using social listening software to identify trends and potential opportunities for the business | Snoop in on people’s social media activity and stalk movement for what The Company might derive a benefit from; also, make sure to think of places and markets we can positon ourselves in, even though we wouldn’t even be completely relevant – we still gotta try, don’t we?
  • Social Media support – being able to write some posts on a regular basis and help the content team with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram | The Sucker will be given a the task of writing a shitload of stuff on a regular basis, coupled with the obligation to think of what exactly to write, all the while making it readable, spamming it aaaaaalll over everybody’s social media feed, sending an ungodly amount of DMs to ‘source’ customers, all the while keeping to the tight deadlines within a 1/3rd of the week at most. In consideration of all of the above, priority will be given to candidates with a second pair of hands.
  • Helping out when reaching to community managers of the company around the world, giving them guidelines and assisting them with marketing issues | The Sucker will also have to possess some extraordinary listening skills and an appropriate amount of temper to tolerate rarely understandable English accents in Italian, Swedish, German and many more, based on all our different locations they will be communicating with. They will also be given a very intricate set of business-specific words they will have to communicate through various different techniques, i.e. something similar to sign language, to people with far poorer English vocabularies than they.
  • Analysing website and clients behaviour using Google Analytics and similar tools | Our Sucker will also have to live and breathe our website, seeing as none of us wants to deal with that crap. We don’t know shit about analytics, so they’d have to do all the work on that topic. Again, they’d better imitate properly.
  • Helping out the SEO team with building some links and content | Make sure you slap a good bunch of really generic words on there, just to be safe we get all possible target groups covered. Priority is given to the words “selfie”, “happy”, “smile”, “model”, “babe” and the like. Also, try to write something very specific and business-like that a two-year-old could also understand.

The project is well funded and just getting started so it provides you the perfect opportunity to work closely with the founding team of the company. |Good news! We’re still stocked up on cash, so we can spend on you and the rest of the assholes you’ll be working with. When we start to run dry, we’ll be sure to let you know, cuz you will most definitely be let go of.

Desirable Skills and Experience: | Boy, you’d better have these and a pile more:

  • Relevant Marketing Degree (Journalism, International Relations or PR are also acceptable) |If you have a degree in Quantum Physics it’s still acceptable; at this point, we’re just looking to present ourselves with candidates that seem adequate. However, you should know that having that degree doesn’t really mean a thing. After all, you do know it’s all about experience, don’t you?!
  • Enthusiasm about marketing and advertising |You don’t need to be so in-depth about it. An overnight read on the topic and some hard-faked enthusiasm will generally do the trick. Just make sure to look presentable.
  • Experience working within a large group from different countries is a plus | A high amount of patience and a steady tolerance for bullshit is a must. Your ears and eyes must be able to tolerate a lot of monstrosities. Also, make sure you buy one of those stress-reliever foam balls to squeeze on during your work day – with your own money, of course. God knows you’ll need that ball.
  • Analytical experience is a plus (Google Analytics, Brand Watch, Facebook insights, etc.) | We need you to be a kind of digital bookworm, but we also don’t want you to look like it. Don’t make us look bad. We don’t need that shit.

We offer: | A.K.A. we can tolerate giving these to you, but we’ll make sure to bust your ass before you get them:

  • Competitive salary and performance related bonus | You will be given just enough money to pay the rent of your sad, two-room flat at the end of the city and have just enough money for food, right on the border before Dumpster Diving. Also, we really hope you don’t count on that bonus, as your performance will never be good enough, unless you grow another pair of hands. The world is full of high performers, and you’re most likely not one of them. Why the fuck would you still be living in this place otherwise?!
  • Good learning curve – you will be able to learn from the best and apply your theoretical knowledge | You will be forced to know shit you don’t need and use it for stuff you don’t care about. In the process, a handful of people will try to imprint their understanding of the world on you, seeing as you’re most probably young and gullible, and you will be demanded to act like you give a crap about that.
  • Become a core part of the team which is building one of the biggest and most influential online marketing websites | If you don’t drink, sad for you. We need someone with a liver the size of a basketball field. Also, make sure you have a fast metabolism cuz we don’t like fat people. They make us look bad. We’re in marketing, for god’s sake.
  • Regular team events and essentially a long-term perspective towards taking care of our main asset – our team! | As part of our team, you will be given the opportunity to regularly lash out in a specifically unhealthy way and spend the company’s money – not all of it, of course, most things you will have to cover yourself; why the hell do you think we’re paying you for?!- on a multitude of events where you will be required to make small talk and feign significant interest in other people’s shit. Do make sure to promise to get back to them just to build anticipation, the follow-up action is not at all necessary. Also, make sure you get used to settling with life among our asshole-laden team.

Like what you see? Think you can make a great part of our team? Email us your CV and cover letter now and send us something impressive that you were proud to work on! | It’s been a busy day here at the office and we’re bored. We wanna read some crappy writing in A-level English and call it a day. Haha.

No, seriously, just a CV is good. We just wanna laugh at your photo.